Swim (Where Did It Go?) – A Blogging Flashback

Blog Flashback from 2008:


I’ve promised myself that this year I will be embellished in as much sand and saltwater as possible. Being raised near and have raided all the private beaches in lower Northampton County, it’s in my blood to want to hear the ocean (or bay) in my ears and not in the conk shell to the ear way. As a child from Cape Charles, I spent every night and day of the summer at the beach. It’s even hereditary. I’m half Eastern Shore and a quarter Outer Banks. My family was practically born in saltwater and sand.

That being said, I’m buying the biggest tub of 300 SPF sun block I can get, a giant umbrella, a hat created for Gone With The Wind and really dark sunglasses. (Hereditary issues again, I must obey the will of the Irish skin. The older I get the faster I fry.) I am going to buy a slue of books that will make me laugh. I am going to the beach more regularly this summer.

Of course, this takes us to apparel. The older I get, the more troubles I have here. In my teenage years I was quite a bit daintier. And let’s be honest, when you are younger you just have more leniency in what you wear. Plus on top of that, we never did wear our bathing suit everyday of our life. We’d generally have the roasting heat of summer smother us and then just jump in, clothes and all.

Then there was a two year course in which I wasn’t allowed to go to the beach at all. That’s a here nor there story, but all the same I didn’t have to worry about a bathing suit if I wasn’t allowed to go.

2001 came and I was emancipated from my relationship from hell. The first thing I did? I went to A&N and bought three bathing suits. It was at this time I learned that I had became a ’LARGE’ girl. I don’t get this. Not to be rude, but I’m strictly made of boobs and ass. I mean, what do people who are made of more wear if I’m a large? Don’t get offended… but seriously? I went with the flow though and was constantly chewed out by people who would say, “you’re so skinny. You don’t wear a large.” Measure up the rear and the cleavage people. It’s true. I wear a large.

funny swimwear

The summers to follow, I found that the patterns and designs offered in our local stores just weren’t for me. I didn’t fit in the major swimsuit categories of

A.) HOTTIE or SPOILED ON THE ASS. And for you who wear SPOILED on your ass… I hope the P comes off in the wash one day.

B.) THE BELT. A belt? On a bathing suit? What’s next suspenders? A bow tie?

C.) THE SKIRT. It’s not like it’s hiding your ass. It’s only two inches long. Maybe it’s a tutu. That’s what it is, water ballet swimsuits. How did I not see that?

D.) THE THONG +/- NIPPLE STICKERS. I mean really, if you are going to wear that 150ct. neon pink thread between the cheeks you might as well just put Pokemon stickers over your nipples.

E.) THE VICTORIA’S SECRET FIT. I tried this. An X-LARGE did not fit me. I might as well have gone with Option D above. It’s was about the same fit.


Where does a girl go with such disdain for her options? Is a one piece the only thing that’s left for me? Could there be bathing suits out there for women who are almost 30 but not ready to swim like she’s getting there?

You’ll know the answer this summer. Look for the girl in the wet suit and white watermen’s boots and you’ll know the answer.



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