You Are The Whirlpool Of My Heart


At times, I feel like Frank Navasky from You’ve Got Mail.  He loves his typewriter.  I love my washer.


Years ago, when the beau and I were dating but not shacked up, I bought a washer.  It was used but that’s really all I felt like I needed.  Since writing out the check for that damn contraption, it has been a downhill slippery slope.  The delivery was a disaster from beginning to end.  I had to work on the day that the delivery man could come, but lucky for me the beau was only working a half day.  I was under the impression the delivery man would come prepared to exchange old for new(er).  Turns out the delivery man was the shop owner who had a horrible limp and made the beau do all the moving.  Conveniently, the shop owner/delivery man also forgot our deal that he would take my broken one with him.

Within two weeks, the washer started leaking.  Maybe I should say flooding.  Leaking would suggest drip, drip, drip.  This was more like what you expect if the creek is overflowing.  The shop owner/delivery man came back and picked it up (disappointingly so since I was the only one there and since I was so livid I refused to help him move the damn clunker).  The washer came back over two weeks later … a long two weeks of washing clothes at the laundry mat.  I was hoping that would be the end of negative occurrences with me and said washer.

Overtime, the washer became a ‘walker’, shuffling all around during the spin cycle.  The commotion it made was so loud that if you were watching TV you’d have to double the volume.  The agitating cycle began making thumping noises.  It must have used twenty gallons of water, which only made the loudness worse because our water pump has won the award for most obnoxious sound on the block.  It was almost like the washer and water pump were a dueling vociferous racket.

Last month, I waited patiently on a Saturday for the clock to hit noon.  As soon as I received a text from the beau saying he was off work, I called him.  “I’m going to shoot this damn washer.  It’s leaking again and it’s not draining.  I have to run the spin cycle TWICE.  I haven’t decided if I’m going to use my 9mm or your shotgun.”

“Please do not discharge any weapons in the house.”

We are planning on building our house at the end of the year (fingers crossed).  At that time, we will be purchasing new major appliances since half of our current ones belong to the landlord and the other half have the work ethic of the washer.  The beau talked me into putting my gun back in its case.

Luckily, Home Depot was having a weekend sale on appliances.  After talking it over (which was the beau saying do whatever makes you happy if it results in you not lodging bullets in the washer), we decided to buy the brand new washer now.  Why by another used one to piss me off for the next ten months or so.  Since we were thinking about getting a stackable set for the new house, we also purchased the new dryer counterpart.  This is the first time in my whole adult life I would be the proud owner of a brand new washer and dryer.  We were so excited to welcome the Whirlpool Duet Front Loading Washer and Dryer to our house!

Sadly, we were on a two week waiting list for the delivery.  Those weeks passed slowly as we continued to deal with our washer who surely in a past life was part of the Footloose cast.

Since the delivery of the new washer, this household has been a completely different place.  It uses very little water, so we hardly hear the water pump at all on laundry day.  And quiet!  Dear God, this washer is quiet!

While Agitating Clothes:

Shhh!  Spin Cycle!

Seriously, it barely makes a peep!  I woke up one night a week ago at 3 am and could not get back to sleep.  You know what I considered doing?  You got it, I was thinking about doing laundry.  I guarantee the whole household could sleep through it.

The only problem we’ve had is the delightful jingle it makes when you start it and when it is finished washing.  I think the jingle is great because otherwise I’d have no idea it was done.  With the old washer, you knew when it was done because the walls of the house had stopped shaking.  Who does have a problem with the song it plays is our cat Ratchet.  Ratchet does not like change.  He has never let go of his feral roots.  Everything scares Ratchet.  When the new set was delivered I was sure he would be upset.  He seemed to take the new appliances with a confidence I’ve never seen before. (This is the cat who hid for hours when we replaced our microwave… with the same exact model of microwave, same color and same placement on the counter.  Hid for HOURS.)  The existence of the new washer and dryer didn’t faze him.  However, the songs drive him into one of his twenty secret hiding places.

I loaded that video on YouTube an hour ago and I haven’t seen that cat since it did the automatic playback.  Even hearing the jingle on my laptop freaks him out.  Every Saturday, he now disappears the complete length of the day.  He does not reappear until all the laundry is done.  Shame on you, Ratchet.  Don’t hate our sensational new appliances.

Also, one other slight problem.  The controls are not ‘push-buttons’.  You just gently hold your finger over the choices you make.  This is all fine and dandy until you go to kiss the washer.  Instead of accepting the affection you are bestowing on it, it offers for you to add a garment or change the water temperature.

Oh, new washer.  You are such a workhorse putting your duties before your emotions.


5 thoughts on “You Are The Whirlpool Of My Heart

  1. I am constantly amazed at how happy simple things like a new washer/dryer can make me! but there is a huge contentment in having everything in our home environment working smoothly; it is calming – and better still – frees up my time from being irritated/annoyed and I can use that time to do things I really want to do. Enjoy your equipment, the cat will learn to live with it eventually!

  2. hahaahahahhaha! I feel the same way about my weed eater that I bought this weekend to replace the one that was the bane of my existence!

    PS, I have a front loader, and I’ve learned the hard way to leave the door on it cracked when done doing laundry so the inside can dry out fully and mold won’t form on the front ring. I am about to learn how to remove the ring and remove the mold… And get out what sounds like 35 cents that have fallen down the little bitty drain hole in the rubber ring! LOL.

    So Happy for you!

    1. I did see that mentioned in the owner’s manual.

      Does that make me a dork that I actually read the owner’s manual?

      Oh dear, change getting caught in drains! I’m awful about leaving change in my scrubs!

      If I get moldy ring… I’m shooting you a message to walk me through it!

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