SLIM FIT? I’m not a WTF’er but… WTF?
Let me give you a little back story.
The beau is a mechanic, full-time and then in his off time. The man is constantly working on some sort of motorized object. This line of work and hobby causes a person to go through an astronomical pair of pants throughout the year. You can only crawl under, over, or in a vehicle so many times before you start developing rips and tears.
I have a Pyrex dream ( I know this seems off subject, but keep with me here). I will one day own the most wonderfully tacky collection of Pyrex on the Earth. I sneak into thrift stores looking for the next great piece. This also gives me the chance to cruise the jeans rack in the men’s section. If you are going to tear up jeans, might as well tear up cheap jeans. Occasionally, I hit it big and impress the honey with a bag full of five dollar finds. Other times, it’s more like playing the lottery and I come home empty handed.
Lately, I had been striking out a lot. No pastel Pyrex, no jeans. After leaving a thrift store empty handed and with a heavy heart, I stopped by Walmart. My local grocery store stopped selling pesto and America’s superstore is now the only place I can find it. As I wheeled my cart through the store, I took a shortcut to check out their cat litter prices.
That’s when I saw this!
A gigantic table covered with men’s jeans on sale! I flipped through the price tags and noted that most of them were only thirteen dollars. It wasn’t five dollars, but still a pretty good steal. As I started pulling out the correct sized jeans for the beau I came across a startling discovery.
Relaxed Boot Cut?
Relaxed Straight Leg?
Are you kidding me?
I mean, I know all the cool kids are doing it. And this isn’t sexist, I think skinny jeans look ridiculous on men and women. I can’t stand things snug on my ankles. BLEH! And there you guys are, practically creating a tourniquet that is cutting the blood supply to your feet! Soon, you’ll be like Lieutenant Dan and you’ll need new legs to replace the ones that you choked off with SKINNY JEANS!
I know part of it is my age and the group of kids I rolled with back in the day. You know what we wore? JNCO’s. Everyone in our group wore JNCO’s. They were spacious and roomy, just like how you should love a house, car or pants.
I know this makes me sound old. I’ve finally reached the point in my life that I can no longer wrap my brain around new fashion. I just wanted to find the beau some pants and get the hell out of Walmart.
I would like to apologize to the employee responsible for keeping the men’s apparel section tidy that day. I discovered that the discount was probably offered because a majority of the pants had a leg sticker that said the wrong size. Thirty minutes later, I had successfully found a week’s worth of pants of the proper size and a fit that would not squeeze my man’s testicles until they fell off.
Back home, I made the beau carefully inspect every pair for correctness.
“Don’t you want to try them on?”
“Nope. I’m sure you did fine.”
“There were so many selections though. When did you boys get so many choices?”
There certainly weren’t this many selections back when gas was 99¢ a gallon.
Yeah, I’m getting old.