From The Desk Of The Dog: My Crummy Christmas

Sorry for the delay in this post.  Cody, who was stressed out by his house arrest, decided to eat the couch.  That’s right, I said the couch.  Dietary indiscretion reared its ugly head and Cody spent several days expelling bodily fluids from both ends.  He seems to be on the mend and we have our fingers crossed that we have dodged a bullet (or an exploratory surgery to retrieve foam from his intestines.  Enjoy!

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I’m not one to complain, but something has to be said about my Christmas present.

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Sarah McLoughin, where are you?

I know she’s heard of my suffering.  See!  They even feature me in an ad now.

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End animal suffering now.

Make my parents take off this ridiculous garment.

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I should have known something was up.  It all started on a Monday morning.  Food Lady forgot my breakfast.  Now, Food Lady may be a little off her rocker now and then, but she always remembers my breakfast.  Not one morsel.  I didn’t even get my special arthritis cookies.

Then she says I need to go in for some tests.  I’m not very happy about this.

I’ve never been very good at tests.

Augh!  Testing was where Food Lady goes every day!  I haven’t quite figured out what Food Lady’s doing.  She leaves me for hours to go hang out with other dogs.  Food Lady!  You have a dog at home!  She calls it work, but I call it cheating.  This pet infidelity is unacceptable.

Food Lady and her gang of friends team up on me and stick with a needle in the NECK!  The neck!  They all tell me to ‘Hold still, Cody’ or ‘Sit down, Cody’.

How can I sit still?  I am too hungry to sit still.  I’ve had no breakfast!

Suddenly the test is over.  Everyone says, ‘Good boy, Cody.’

Did I pass the test?

All seems to be back to normal.  Breakfast and dinner is back on schedule.  The cookies are flowing in as usual.

Until Thursday.

Food Lady needs to start taking memory cookies because she has forgotten my arthritis cookies AGAIN.  She drives away for work and I am left hungry.

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In what I thought was a Christmas miracle, Food Lady returned during the middle of the day.  I was sure she had remembered my breakfast!

A miracle!  I’m getting mid-day breakfast!

She ignores the signs of starvation and puts me in her car.

No!  Not back for more testing!

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For the second time this year, I suddenly fall into a deep sleep with Food Lady’s pack.  I’m sure it’s because my blood sugar was low.  I was so hungry!

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I wake up and Food Lady is talking to me.  Her words sound weird, but I distinctly make out one word.

Cookie.

After some time, I can stand and walk.  I am fighting this drowsy feeling.

Must get cookies.

The ride home seems longer than usual.  I’m suffering from malnutrition so badly that I can’t keep my head up.  I pass out in the backseat.

I wake up with Food Lady shaking me.  “Come on, bud.  I’ll help you out of the car.”

I notice while walking up the steps to the house that my belly feels tight.  Right where my lumpy friend is.  WAS?!?!?!  Wait!  Where is my lumpy friend?  He was right here!  Food Lady!  Food Lady, someone stole my lumpy friend!

She ushers me to my bed and suggests that I take a nap.

But where Food Lady!  Where… is… my ……….lumpyyyyy…..frieeeeee  *snore*

A bit later, I hear my daddy.  He walks over to me and asks how I’m feeling.  I manage to roll over and use my paw to point at where my lumpy buddy was.

“Aw, I see it.  You get some rest.”

He leaves me to drift back to sleep.

Hours later, daddy comes back with my dinner.  I can’t possibly bring myself to get off of the couch.  Daddy puts my bowl on the floor and yells to Food Lady, “He’s not eating.”

“It’s okay.  Give him time.”

Daddy pets my head and goes back in the kitchen.

I just can’t.

I can’t.

Well, maybe I can.

I probably should.

Yes, dinner does sound good.

*Puts head in bowl*

The following days are just as strange as the others.

Food Lady and daddy make me stay inside.  I hate being inside.

They leash walk me in the yard.  At first I think there is something wrong with our Invisible Fence, but one step too close to the line tells me the fence is still alive.  Why the leash, you crazy people?

I have to go back to Food Lady’s hangout again and they have to put in a few staples.  I don’t know what staples are, but the clicky thing in the doctor’s hand is made of plastic.  I LOVE PLASTIC!

On the plus side, I learned how to bake cookies.

Food Lady showed me how to glaze a cake.

I tried Chex Mix when Food Lady dropped a bunch on the floor.

And I got to wear Daddy’s shirt.

I love orange.

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I guess it wasn’t too crummy of a Christmas after all.

Happy New Year,

Cody

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7 thoughts on “From The Desk Of The Dog: My Crummy Christmas

  1. Love it when Cody sits down to write. Sounds like food lady is a very loving puppy mama. Happy New Year to you all. May 2014 bring everyone peace, joy, love, and COOOOOKIEEEEES. lol
    Be well and keep inspiring.

    John (JMC)

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