If I Could Not Be Buddhist For Just Five Minutes

I know that at times my coworkers probably find my habits quite annoying.  I try to live by the thought that I am just a person.  I have no right to decide when life comes or goes.  I respect the flow of life and let all creatures live.  I escort spiders outside (quickly before someone steps on it).  I shoo flies instead of swatting them.  Ants?  I scoop them up and rush them to the outdoors, even though they will surely return from where I just evacuated them.

But those fucking fruit flies.  I’m about to go insane.

At first it was just a few.  I tried to dutifully ignore them as Buddha would.  All creatures deserve to live.

All creatures but those that are swarming your bananas!

Prevention is the best cure I tell myself.  I store all fruit and veggies in the fridge.  I keep the sink clean and dry.

Prevention is nothing in the face of five thousand fruit flies.

Finally, I get out two wine glasses and pour in some apple cider vinegar with a splash of Dawn.  I cover them with plastic wrap which is then secured with rubber band.  Finally, I poke holes in the top with a toothpick.  It’s like a little toxic crab pot.  Fruit flies can get in, but they can’t get out.  They head down to take a little dip in the vinegar, get coated in the Dawn and drown.

Buddha is frowning, I can feel it.

The next morning after the wine glasses have been set up, I’m relieved.  The numbers seem to be down.  I’m not getting bugs stuck in my eyes.  The beau isn’t cussing when he throws something in the trashcan.  Progress has been made.

Oh, no.  Shit ain’t that easy.  What I’m learning is that fruit flies have a very unique schedule.  They are lazy bums and don’t get out of their little fruit fly beds until late afternoon.  Just when you think, I’ve done it!  I’ve beat the fruit flies!, those damn pests show back up and have another party.  Assholes.

Phase II Of Defying The Way Of Buddha:  Freeze Those Bitches Out.

After a less than stellar success with the wine glasses, I decide we are going frigid on these bastards.  Right before bedtime, I am jacking up the A/C in the kitchen window.  These are warm weather creatures.  They can’t survive chilly temperatures.

WRONG!  That’s apparently the fruit flies form of cocaine.  Now they don’t sleep!  They are wide awake and going strong when I get up.  They are in the sink, in the trash, on the cabinets… THEY ARE EVERYWHERE!

I reach in the fridge and pull out a basket of tomatoes.  Fruit flies fly out of my fridge!  How did I ever expect them to die in air conditioning if they are surviving in my refrigerator?!  This is a nightmare!

In the end, I know it’s a waiting game.  I need to stay diligent with prevention and keep the glasses of fresh vinegar flowing.  It will continue to test my patience and show me how I still have a long way to go before I have fully embraced the Buddhist way of life.  Buddha is frowning, I am sure it.

I’m so glad I took that picture because I had no idea how dusty my fat, jolly Buddha was.  Now I can delicately bathe all of Buddha’s folds today.  That should distract me from the fruit flies, right? 


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