When is it okay …

To fake your sexual preference?

Answer:  To embarrass a sibling.

Example A:

Years ago, my sister and her best friend thought it was super cute to secretly take some of that window chalk and write ‘GHETTO BOOTY’ on my back window.  It is completely true, I indeed have a big ass.  I once had a random man approach me to tell me that I was small framed but big block.  (I guess that was too much to fit on one window.)  Oh, ha ha.  So funny, now everyone I pass will know I have a gigantic butt.  Fantastic.

Lucky for me, revenge will generally present itself.  The day after the window graffiti was performed, that sister and I went to the big city of Virginia Beach to hit up the mall.  As we sat in traffic, a young couple probably fresh out of high school, pulled up beside us on my side of the car.  The guy was sporting his mom’s super expensive vehicle.  The couple looked over at us, laughing and I could only assume it was at the declaration of bottom size on the back of my car.

“Ha, ha.  Mel they are laughing at your ghetto booty.”

“You think so?”  I start rolling down my window.

“Mel, don’t.  Don’t make an ass of yourself.”

“Me?  An ass of myself.  Oh, no.  It seems you’ve already made an ass of me when you decorated the back of my car.”

“Don’t do it, Mel.”

“Hi!  Excuse me.  How are you guys?”  The couple continued to giggle.  “You.”  I pointed at the guy.  “You want to know what’s real funny?  I fucked your bitch last night.”

The couple stopped laughing and perhaps stopped breathing.

“Dear God, Mel.”

I blew some kisses, threw a wink in her direction and the light turned green.

“Mel, that wasn’t funny.”

“Really, I thought it was funny.”

EXAMPLE B:

That sister and I had just come from the beach.  We stopped at a gas station to fill up my car.  I got out and started pumping gas.  A school bus pulled up beside us.  I’m uncertain if it was from one of those schools that go all year round (poor souls) or if it was some sort of summer activity.  The bus was full of boys probably at that age where they were transitioning into puberty and high school.  My sister had always been a lean specimen and the boys were always attracted to her.  People couldn’t believe that squatty full figured me could be her older sister.  She had a habit of not being so modest about these features.

She opened the passenger door and climbed out of the car.  She was only wearing her bikini.  The teenage boys started putting down the windows and hooting loudly.

“Thumbs up, you can attract thirteen year old boys.”

She continued to wear the smile of someone who had obtained great achievement until I cleared my throat.

“What are you doing, Mel?”

Isn’t it funny, that there is this age when boys are starting to figure out they girls aren’t so gross?  Yet, in this time of girl acceptance they haven’t transition to that point of full blown testosterone.  There is a brief stage where boys aren’t attracted to girls kissing girls.  A moment in adolescence when lesbian action is frightening.

“Excuse me?  Do any of you guys have an older sister that’s pretty?  I’m looking for a date this weekend and I’m looking for a pretty girl.”

Swoosh, swoosh, swoosh.  All the bus windows quickly returned to their closed position in a chorus of, “EWWWWWWW!!!!! SHE LIKES GIRLS!”

“Do you always ruin a good time, Mel?”

“Pretty much so.  Yes.”

Okay, so it’s not nice to fake your sexual preference.  It may not be right, but it sure can provide an entertaining form of revenge.

DSC01789

Circa de ‘Faked Lesbian Encounters’  Same pasty white skin, same peachy attitude 🙂

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