Bitches be like…

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The minute I saw this picture, I knew I had to tell one of my favorite cooking stories.It is no secret in my group of friends that I can burn water. I can also cause you to spend a not so delightful afternoon in the bathroom. People who know me well will tell you that you’ll want to have all your affairs in order before you sit down at my table.

Friends know this and occasionally they have to be a smartass about this. Take Melissa for example…

One day, she decided to throw some steaks in the oven and some peas with new potatoes on the stove. All the while, pretending that she was on a cooking show to rub it in my face that I have no idea what I’m doing.

“Melissa, you do not have to do commentary for my benefit.”

“Can you zoom the camera in and take a close up look to how I turn the oven on? Just gently spin that dial.”

Time passed by and the timer went off. “Mmmm! Mel, do you smell that? Those steaks smell so good. That’s what real food smells like. And listen to that sizzle. Do you know what that sizzle is saying? It is saying ‘perfection’, Mel.” Melissa put a big smile on her face and grabbed the oven’s handle. “That’s right, perfection.”

When she opened the oven, flames shot out. “AUGH!”

Lucky for her, I am trained in the ways of how to fight kitchen fires. I can also manage to do this task while laughing my ass off.

“What is that sound, Melissa? I think I missed that part?”

*******
Do you have a favorite kitchen disaster story?  Share below 🙂
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4 thoughts on “Bitches be like…

  1. Here’s my kitchen disaster story. I’m really comfortable as a baker, even a little cocky like your friend. I found this recipe on food network for pecan rolls and they sounded really good. I was scrolling down through the comments and noticed a lot of people had had a problem with them getting burnt, and in one case, even catching on fire. Very sure of myself, I thought they were just not careful enough and decided to make them anyway.
    Everything was going great. The pecan rolls came out of the oven beautifully, I was feeling so sure of myself, there was no problem here. I decided to continue on my roll of baking and increased the temp of the oven to make a cake. Bad idea. The sugar that had boiled over from the pecan rolls caught on fire in my stove! I opened the stove to put in my cake, and I saw that there was this little fire in the bottom of the stove.
    Hun, how did that get there? I stood there and starred at it for probably a minute with the door open, instead of just shutting the door and letting the fire burn out since it was so small. In that minute that I stared at it, marveling, it grew to an impressive size. So I very calmly walked to my pantry, got the fire extinguisher, and put out the fire. I was very proud of myself.
    Until I realized how much of a mess it is to clean up that residue out of your stove. It took me three days. The entire time I spent scrubbing out my stove, there was a litany in my head, why didn’t I shut the door, why didn’t I just shut the door.
    But the pecan rolls were really really good. Almost good enough to nearly burn down your house.

    1. I feel like you should be able to name that recipe, you deserve it if your house was nearly at risk! Maybe Burnin Down The House Rolls? It’s amazing how we still have such primal instincts that we are drawn to the magic of fire. Thanks for sharing your story, sorry it took me a while to reply. I had been out of town. It gave me the giggles this morning while I’m trying to get back into the swing of things at home 🙂

      1. I think I now know what an upcoming post will be about. Almost Burnt Down My House Pecan Rolls. Guaranteed to give a spark to your day.

  2. I don’t know how to boil water, that’s my disaster EVERYTIME I try to do it. It always boils over. Stupid water.

    I also baked my Man-Beast’s students some pumpkin cookies one time, but I didn’t understand that the plastic rolling sheet that you use to roll the dough out was NOT supposed to go in the oven with the cookies. So that got baked.

    I’m pretty sure the chemicals that came off the baked rolly thing when it was heated in the oven gave the kids super powers in biology, though. Or glowing eyes. Either way, it’s a win! xp

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