Jesus Christ, Chocolate!

Finally!  The perfect gift for your Catholic friends who have been suffering lent without chocolate!  This Easter, you can get those guys the Chocolate Cross for their Easter basket!

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Maybe these have been around for a while and I have just never noticed.  It was one of those things that hit me just right in the grocery store checkout and I couldn’t fight the giggles.  I just kept imagining a herd of small children devouring their little solid chocolate crosses.  Just when we thought that seeing kids bite the heads off those little hollow chocolate animals was weird enough!

I understand Russell Stover must feel pressured that they too must produce a miracle candy.  For God’s sake (no pun intended), Hershey’s has that bunny laying creme filled chocolate eggs.  *Insert mental image of holy man running around with rabbit in his hands, ‘IT’S A MIRACLE!’*

The longer I stood in line, the more I thought that this new product must have come from Willy Wonka’s remake of Passion Of The Christ.  All I could envision was a group of Oompa Loompas nailing ole Willy to the chocolate cross with cinnamon sticks.   *Hold your breath,
Make a wish, Count to three, Come with me, And you’ll be in a world of Chocolate Crucifixion.*

You have just witnessed, my friends, one of the reasons I will end up in the fiery pits of hell.

Just imagine if Vianne had made chocolate crosses in Chocolat?  Maybe the angry priest would have accepted her with open arms.  “God bless you!  Chocolat cross maker!”  Then Roux wouldn’t have been chased out of town and all ladies would have been happy.  Roux (Johnny Depp) would have stayed being hand fed sweet morsels, playing his guitar and making all of our truffles melt for the entire movie.  Where were you then Russell Stover?

I understand their marketing theory.  It’s Easter and if you are celebrating it, then indeed you should be embracing the religious aspects of it as well.  Is it a change from seeing that Easter is only about cute little fuzzy animals and hidden pastel eggs?  If so, good for them.  I just hope they get jumping on the upcoming holidays, because I’m sure Happy Meals will be next with Nativity Scene toys this Christmas.

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